FITNESS AND RECREATION CENTER — In a sobering report Tuesday, scientists warned that the effects of global warming will soon directly impact the Boston University Terriers Men’s Ice Hockey Team, and that they could possibly face extinction by the end of the century as a result.

“These images may be disturbing, but it’s impossible to imagine the effects of global warming without showing the impact already happening,” Dr. Amika Siens said at a press conference as she presented images of starving hockey players clinging to ice floes adrift in a melting rink. “We are seeing the direct impact on the team.”

Dr. Siens warned that unless action is taken to slow the melting of the Agganis hockey arena, the Terriers face a dismal future. “They need this ice to hunt on, rest on, and eat on,” she continued, showing a picture of a hockey player devouring a freshly caught Cane’s Combo on the ice. “They raise their young here. And the ice allows them to fight predators more effectively.” Sien then showed another picture, this time of a pack of hockey players attacking a Zamboni. 

Despite how dire the situation seemed, Dr. Siens reminded the conference that it’s not too late to take action to prevent future ice loss. “If we cut down on carbon emissions, we can try to preserve the ice for these beautiful creatures,” Siens concluded, as a slideshow of frolicking Terriers played behind her, with their winter coats of red and white jerseys. “These Terriers deserve a future. Our children and the children of the future deserve to see these beautiful, wild Terriers as nature intended: out there on the ice.” 

Recent studies have shown that preserving Terrier lives on ice rinks is a key step in keeping the number of invasive and often disease-carrying Eagles down.

Leave a Reply