By Serena Ata

ALLSTON — Those who regularly embark on the Allston Crawl (i.e. freshmen) are familiar with its horrors: bloated rats feeding on the flesh of their brethren, the asbestos breeding in the frathouse basements, and the superiority complexes of frat bros whose only job is to haughtily say “sorry, we’re at capacity.” You know, the usual. 

But lately, we’ve received reports that a new terror has emerged on the Allston scene—one which even the most seasoned crawlers are wary of. 

So, I decided to set out and investigate for myself.

I commenced my Crawl on a chilly Friday night, scanning the scene for any unusual activity. That is, unusual by Allston’s standards. Little did I know that Allston’s very own Pennywise was lurking underfoot all along. 

“Ayo, bro—yeah you, up there.” A garbled voice rose up from the sewer grates, causing me to stop dead in my tracks. The voice was coming from somewhere ahead, but there were no Chads in sight. “I’m in deep shit man, like no cap.” I took a few tentative steps forward. 

And it was in that moment that a sopping wet hand seized my ankle, pulling me into the cavernous depths of the Allston sewers.

Submerged up to my knees in murky water and floating Natty Lites, I found myself faced with three petrified frat rejects. In a matter of seconds, they began telling me their stories. Needless to say, I was moved by their vulnerability, and knew I had to share their experiences with the people of BU. 

These are their stories. 

Chadley (“Chad”) James: “I was literally just trying to help out, man. Like it was a Saturday afternoon, and we were throwing that night, so I thought I’d clean up the house. I was Febreezing the basement when one of the brothers accused me of ‘tainting the rave space’s natural musk.’ Within seconds, a bag was slipped over my head, and I was dumped into the sewers.” 

Doug (“Dougie”) Brown: “A brother challenged me to a game of beer pong, and I was psyched to play. At first, I was absolutely crushing it—I had him chugging beer after beer on each turn. It was getting a little too easy for me, so I decided to switch things up by throwing in a Death Cup; I’d seen the bros over at Kappa Deltoid do it… and apparently, so did my brother. He sobered up instantly, accused me of fraternizing with other frats, and preached about house rules being sacred. Next thing I knew, I was here.” 

Jack (“Jack”) Wallace: “When All Too Well was released, most of the guys didn’t really understand the nuances of the Jake Gyllenhaal situation. I suspect that their internalized misogyny was clouding their judgment. All of their girlfriends were infuriated (understandably), so I thought I’d talk some sense into them—for their own good… and also the good of humanity. I made a PowerPoint and everything. Needless to say, it didn’t turn out as I’d hoped.” 

Although Chadley, Doug, and Jack have since been rescued, the psychological impact of their exile is irreversible. To this day, they warn pledge brothers that “they’ll float too.” 

The rejected pledges have since decided to write a screenplay based on their experiences. Stephen King has declined to confirm his involvement in the project.

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