Reports indicate that this weekend a record number of BU students were hit by an epidemic of severe 3rd degree Berns.

“The social safety net was too strong for me to handle!” yelled Tom Stevens (CAS ‘18) who was rushed to the hospital after suffering a Bern by dangerous exposure to equitable income distribution and a higher minimum wage.

But Stevens wasn’t the only one affected by this epidemic. Thousands of students were treated for Berns caused by everything from gender equality to a plan to combat climate change. Patients may have to undergo surgical removal of corporate donors from politics, and spend weeks in recovery receiving student loan debt relief.

Doctors treating the Bern victims noted that malignant support for veterans and LGBT rights were common symptoms of those afflicted by the epidemic.

“I started to break out in hives when I heard about the Wall Street reform, and then I got totally Berned by a humane immigration policy,” recalled Jennifer Watts (ENG ’15) as she lay in her hospital bed, attatched to an IV in SHS’s ‘Bern Ward’.

Marketing student Michael Toledo (SMG ’19) described the onset of the Bern: “God, I just went to the rally to hit on someone! I’m into liberal women but now I’ve been Berned by accessible healthcare and capital gains taxes. I didn’t even know those existed!” lamented Toledo.

“My God, I haven’t seen an epidemic of Berns like this since unions were strong in the 1960’s,” reminisced Dr. Lawrence Kingsley, an SHS doctor, as he attempted to treat students’ support for the Iran deal.

At press time, students were dehydrated and disoriented from an unhealthy amount of optimism and initiative in politics.

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