Physiological Needs: Bottomless popcorn and naps whenever requested, free tampons, fabulous cocktails, waffles with the syrup filling every hole. But wait… the tampons are loose and applicator-less in a Halloween-style communal bowl and you forgot you have a Pap smear today and those cocktails are actually white claw mixed with water and food coloring in a paper cup. 

Safety Needs: Strutting down the streets of LA in the middle of the night, dancing La-La-Land style without a single Dateline storyline crossing your mind. 

Belongingness and Love Needs: You’re sitting by a majestic waterfall in the middle of the rainforest, laughing from the sheer force of you being awesome. A butterfly flaps its wings and Harry Styles serenades you under the shrouds of divine light that sprinkle through the trees. But then you wake up to the sound of your ex calling again, as you’re next to your regrettable Tinder hookup with layers of regret and in need of an emergency order of Plan B.

Esteem Needs: The earth shatters from the sheer amount of likes you received on your most recent Instagram post, in which you couldn’t decide whether to wear a turtleneck or nothing at all, so you posted both. You see that your middle school crush liked the photo, so you’re feeling pretty good until you realize that your gynecologist commented “have you scheduled your most recent mammogram?”, after which you plummet all the way back to physiological needs, and are a shell of a human being.

Self-Actualization Needs: Happy with a granola bar and a sidewalk view of an only slightly-wilted flower. We can’t keep track of all the TV subscription services so this will have to do. Sigh. 

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