THE MALL— It’s almost poetic the way the Rainforest Cafe sits directly across from the Urban Outfitters, like a cruel commentary on the inevitable passage of time and the abandonment of your youth. The comically-large plastic greenery that trademarked your juvenile dining experiences now follows you into early adulthood in the form of… comically-long plastic greenery.
But let’s not sit and dawdle—the vines you bought from Urban that hang on the wall behind your bed are tacky. All they do is tell everyone that you’re too irresponsible to have actual plants in your room, but you want to give off the impression that you’re an adult now. That $14 could’ve been donated to one of the environmental nonprofits you always post on your Instagram story. And what’s worse? You’ve also given the hit 2011 film We Bought a Zoo a run for its money.
To be honest, maybe I exaggerated a bit about the synthetic shrubbery being the thing that transported us to the jungle— perhaps the troop of baboons on the light fixtures or hippopotamus in the bathtub did the trick. Also the hippo’s shit is clogging the plumbing system and I think the neighbors are starting to think you have IBS.
Whatever the root of the issue may be, I know one thing’s for sure, and that’s the size of the lawsuit Residence Life and PETA just dropped on us. Yeah, their offices decided to collab about the Allston rat dilemma and now specialize in dormitory-based deforestation cases. We’re fucked.