Opinions are like assholes— everyone has one and no one wants to hear about it, unless of course it involves Alvin and the Chipmunks. If you think the answer to our big question is Alvin, you’re undoubtedly a heterosexual finance major who completely overreacted the first time you got your dick sucked, making the poor girl who was just trying to get some edibles from you very, VERY uncomfortable. You identified with Alvin because you saw it as an opportunity to project your own experience onto him. That being said, let’s dive into why it is in fact Theodore who is getting the best head.

The viral photoshopped image— which depicts the three Chipmunks receiving oral sex from their respective girlfriends— tells three very different stories, depending on which Chipmunk you look at. As previously stated, Alvin is a little bitch who is simply overexaggerating to compensate for Brittany’s lack of ability to give the Gluck-Gluck 3000 Turbo Vacuum Seal Gorilla Grip sucking job. Moving on. 

Shifting our focus to the Chipmunk on the right, Simon’s legs appear elevated to an unnatural position, indicating that he is in some sort of physical pain. Upon closer inspection, his facial expression solidifies any sliver of a doubt that he is in harm’s way. We can logically conclude that Jeanette is inexperienced, and therefore does not know that using teeth is never a good idea.

This brings us to the third and final Chipmunk: Theodore. There is no doubt in my mind that Theo is getting the best head, as the look on his face suggests that he is seeing God. Eleanor is putting in that work, and it is definitely paying off. 

Stay posted for next week’s follow-up article, where we re-examine which Chipmunk from Alvin and the Chipmunks watches tentacle hentai!

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