We’ve all been there: You’re doing the bow-chicka-wow-wow with the love of your life (or whoever was most available off of Tinder) when suddenly, against your will, it pops into your head: the audio from the TikTok you watched five minutes before this. Now, instead of focusing on the task at hand (no pun intended), you’re imagining all the different ways you could use this to go viral – or you’re just trying to get Dixie D’amelio’s voice out of your head.
So, since it’s inevitable now that TikTok has invaded every single moment of our lives, here’s my ranking of the worst to best TikTok audios to get your guts rearranged to.
10. “I’ll make a cup of coffee for your head”
If Chris Evans himself asked to put this on while we boinked, I’d have to say no. After months of hearing a Chipette-reject singing this song over aggressively “aesthetic” TikToks, this song fills me with immutable rage and is sure to ruin the mood.
Teenage girls pretending they don’t know how to move their eyeballs aside, this song would be awful for sex. It would just remind me how much I’d rather be bumping uglies with Conan Gray – or Heather herself.
8. “Driver’s License”
Nope! I do not need a grown man knowing that I cry to this song. Having sex with him is embarrassing enough.
7. “Nobody’s gonna know. They’re gonna know.”
Not the most riveting material, but it at least adds some tension to the situation as I wonder if this man knows I’ve been faking it this whole time. (Answer: He doesn’t.)
6. “Laxed (Siren Beat)”
Better known as the song Jason Derulo stole to make himself relevant again, this song certainly wouldn’t be good for hot, dirty sex. However, it provides a great beat for men to follow as they try to learn how not to pummel you recklessly like a jackhammer.
Is it a good sex song? Absolutely. Does it carry a dangerously high risk that the man I’m with will start singing along, specifically to replace the name “Tracy” with mine? You betcha, and for that I cannot rank the song any higher.
The incredibly hot men associated with this song make it a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, they’re the perfect images to have on standby if – or when – my man disappoints me. On the other hand, they make it that much more likely that anything my man does will be disappointing.
3. “Bestie I’m afraid to ask you this”
The repetitive nature of this sound makes it the perfect background for any sexual act, providing an aural landscape for your oral pleasuring. Besides, it’s the perfect segue to asking the man you’re with not to blast off while he’s still docked in the station.
2. “Put your head on my shoulder”
Specifically the version where hot people show off silhouettes of themselves, this audio is a classic when it comes to making the beast with two backs. Not only does it elicit a Pavlovian response of horniness within me, it also gives me faith that all parties involved look sexy with the lights off.
1. “Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no”
This is the PERFECT audio to fuck to thanks to its versatility. If things are going well, the drama of it all only adds to your sexual experience. If not, the “oh no’s” provide a perfect outlet for how you’re feeling, whether you’re bemoaning the god-awful sex you just had, or the fact that God made you attracted to men in the first place.