Photoshopped by Siria Coello (CAS '23).
Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)

Maddy Schmidt is a senior from New Jersey studying Film & TV. She is a Wii bowling prodigy and is blocked on twitter by Drake Bell (Campana).

South Campus is known for its historic apartment buildings that were constructed in 1905 and have not been renovated since. Along with charming features such as completely uneven floors, peeling wall paint and rusty metal sinks, these dorms also unsurprisingly come with their own roommates, who are no longer alive. Without further ado, here is my definitive ranking of the ghosts currently haunting my South Campus single.

5. Paul Revere (no relation)

By far the most annoying ghost haunting my dorm is Paul Revere, but not the one you’re thinking of. This Paul Revere was alive during the Revolution, but he was constantly living in the shadow of the Paul Revere we know and love. He spent his life being constantly compared to his better, braver counterpart, so he developed a major inferiority complex. Even beyond the Revolution, Paul was overshadowed: both Paul Reveres were silversmiths, but the famous Paul won prizes for his beautiful creations, while my Paul just made a few shitty vases. Paul is incredibly needy and constantly seeking validation, making him the annoying roommate I was hoping to avoid by living in a single this year.

4. Mary Sullivan

Mary was a god fearing woman who is perpetually searching for her two sons. She is ranked second to last because she literally won’t shut up about them. Mary was also a member of the Boston women’s temperance league, which I know because she breaks a lightbulb every time I have friends over to get blasted. Little does she know, I looked her up and found out she died of syphilis, so she can keep her moral high ground.

3. Timothy Flanigan

Timothy is a 9 year old boy who survived the Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918, only to die of tuberculosis in 1919. Timmy died right at the age where boys get curious about women’s bodies, so he usually appears right after I step out of the shower. This would be fine except he always wants to “play a game” and that game is just him asking me to drop my towel. For that, Timmy is ranked number 3 because while he is cute and harmless, he makes me a little uncomfortable.

2. Katie O’Hagerty and Maria Pizzeria

Katie and Maria are two neighbors from dueling families. They strangled each other at the peak of the Irish-Italian conflict, and now they haunt South Campus advocating for peace among white people. They’re pretty high up on my list because I like their silly accents.

1. Klaarg (or maybe Charles?)

Klaarg is a demon that lives in my radiator. When I asked his name, I heard Klaarg, but that sounds kind of Scandinavian, and come to think of it, he might have actually said “Charles.” Either way, Klaarg makes a lot of strange noises in the middle of the night, which can be kind of upsetting, but he is shockingly good at statistics and has helped me with my homework several times. He did possess my body once, but I told him never to do that again and he felt bad. He’s not trying to be a terrifying pipe demon, I genuinely think he just wants to be a good guy.

HONORABLE MENTION: Kelly Matthews

Kelly was my actual roommate until I killed her a few days ago. She didn’t make the list because she insists on terrorizing me (strangling, making me levitate, etc.), but I guess I deserve it. But come on, she was eating my snacks! Hope they have cookie dough bites in hell, Kelly.

Leave a Reply