Every week, two television programs grip viewers. One is a little-known “very realistic” teen drama called Euphoria. The other is a comedic show comparable to Survivor called The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette, cause girl power!). A crossover would be chaotically amazing so here’s how far some of Euphoria’s characters would get on the Bachelor or The Bachelorette

5. Rue

Rue does not even make it into the mansion. Upon exiting the car, she sees the Bachelor and simply says “hell no” and walks back into the car, making her the contestant with quickest exit in the show’s history. In her exit interview, she says nothing except asking the driver if she gets to keep him as her personal chauffeur.

4. Maddy

From Night One, Maddy is a frontrunner. She “befriends” all the girls, and the Bachelor adores her, but most important to Maddy, the fans love her. That is, until the truth comes out. During a group date, the Bachelor has the girls participate in an athletic competition of eating a pound of tuna fish, then crab walking for a mile, followed by reciting the Belgian National anthem while riding a bull. During the crab walk, Maddy vomits directly into the camera. Still crab walking, she yells at the Bachelor that he ruined her chances of becoming the next Bachelorette. Shockingly, she did not receive a rose after that.

3. Nate

Nate charmed the Bachelorette with purely his looks up until this point. Literally. Somehow he made it this far without a one-on-one. Like he has never spoken more than a few words to the woman who supposedly wants to marry him. And he probably would have made it had it not been for hometowns. When the bachelorette slips walking into Nate’s home, Nate responds “oh sorry, I guess we never cleaned up my dad’s piss.” 

2. Lexi

Lexi makes it to the finals and the Bachelor proposes to her but she turns him down. She leaves unfazed in the car as the Bachelor ugly cries. In her interview, she explains that she only participated as inspiration for her next play. A few months later, “From Roses to Riches” debuts on broadway.

1. Fezco 

While he continued to evade questions about his occupation which was simply listed as salesman, Fezco steals the heart of the Bachelorette. During hometowns, despite Ashtray initially telling Fez to drop her, the Bachelorette gifts Ashtray a hammer and suddenly they are besties. Ultimately Fezco wins and they get married soon after. And yes, because I know you were wondering, Rue was the flower girl.

Leave a Reply