Photoshopped by Vanessa Kjeldsen (COM '23)
CJ Zachara (COM '21)

CJ is a junior in COM studying Film and Television. He is from Maplewood, New Jersey.

BU Housing has decided to streamline the random roommate pairing process this year by only asking one question: astrological signs. The change comes after complaints that the current five-question survey is far too tedious and complicated for students to go through. 

“Asking only one question was challenging for us because we had to decide on the single most relevant question to ask,” said Director of BU Housing, Chet Ryan (Leo).

Ryan shared some of the other questions they considered with The Bunion. Some included IQ, juggling ability on a scale from 1-3, finger length, experience with homicide, favorite Pokemon, criminal records, plots to kill roommates, and favorite color. 

“In the end, kids only care about stupid star signs so we might as well try to be hip,” Ryan said. “Astrology bitches be cray. The supporters literally burned any opposition at the stake. Geminis, am I right?” Ryan said.  

Of course, the new system is not perfect. Matt Mathison (Aries ‘23) and Rich Richards (Cancer ‘23) were assigned to a Warren double and are off to a rocky start due to how Richards levitates whenever there’s a full moon. 

“They should have KNOWN our signs were incompatible, smh,” Mathison said while sharpening a shiv with his roommates’ initials carved in it.*

At press time, BU Housing was flooded with reports of zodiac sign compatibility issues, even though many were warned that it’s common for roommate compatibility to fluctuate when Mercury is in retrograde.

*The Bunion does not condone murder.

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