SCHOOL OF MANAGEMENT—In an attempt to show it “means business” when it comes to addiction, Questrom School of Business has announced a new initiative to pump secondhand smoke into all classrooms.

The new program, entitled Vaporized and Addictive Pollutant Effusion (VAPE), aims to meet the needs of Questrom’s many nicotine-addicted students. According to Questrom Dean Marlboro Man, it greatly improves the classroom environment.

“So many Questrom students have such a strong addiction to smoking that regular air is highly unpleasant for them. They will go outside and gasp for fresh smoke as soon as classes finish,” Man said. “Some of them will even leave in the middle of class, which is very disruptive. We just thought, why not do everything in our power to make the classroom setting comfortable for them?”

VAPE involves relocating the building’s air conditioning and heating vents to just outside the main entrance. By taking advantage of the large number of smokers often present there, the university can obtain a large amount of smoke at minimal cost, rather than outsourcing it from outside Warren Towers.

“By pumping secondhand smoke in through the vents, we will infuse the carpets, walls, and air with only the best unfiltered, thick, nicotine-and-tar-based pollutants,” Man said.

Feedback from VAPE test-runs has been so strong that Questrom plans to pump smoke into all Questrom fundraising and recruiting events.

“We will make sure every donor or recruiter who visits SMG has an insatiable and inexplicable desire to return,” Man said.

Questrom wants to remind its students that smoking is still strictly prohibited in all parts of the building.

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