QUESTROM SCHOOL OF BUSINESS — During a lecture discussion about whether water should be considered a basic human right, a group of students from the Questrom School of Business were suspiciously quiet. Their classmates sitting closest to them claim to have heard them mumbling short phrases such as “free market,” “Darwinism,” and “fiscal responsibility.”

The class then watched a video of celebrities giving bottled water to the residents of Flint, MI. When they realized that the water was being given to the people free of charge, many Questrom students looked away in disgust. Johnathan Smith, a Questrom student remarked, “It really is just a slap in the face to everything we stand for as a nation.”

This all comes on the heels of Questrom unveiling a new program that allows students to pitch their business ideas, which the school will then fully fund. Approved projects so far include selling upcharged inhalers to athsmatic toddlers, stealing wheelchairs to sell for parts, and releasing the Coronavirus to underprivileged neighborhoods in order to sell the vaccine at 600% price.

After finishing their pro-Capitalism tirade, at press time, Questrom students were heard loudly complaining about all the water fountains in the building being replaced with bottled water vending machines.

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