Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22)
Sophia Yakumithis (CAS '21)

Sophia is a junior studying history and art history. She has a good personality.

QUESTROM — On Thursday, Questrom announced that in order to promote student diversity, it will no longer allow its students to wear clothing purchased from  popular East Coast brand Vineyard Vines. 

Chad McChad (QST ‘21) reports that the decision left many white, heterosexual males feeling marginalized. 

“I don’t even take my salmon colored Edgarton Lightweight Shep Shirt off when I have ambiguously consenual sex with women,” said McChad. “Wait until my father Goldman Sachs hears about this.”

A Questrom spokesperson confirmed that the college will offer  reparations by restocking students’ wardrobes with Patagonia and Brooks Brothers, after realizing that the Vineyard Vines ban may deter students from becoming future generous donors 

Even though the students were supplied other clothing brand options, many allege to not being physically capable of letting non-Vineyard Vines clothes touch their skin. One of the enraged students, Kyle Kyleston (QST ‘20), spoke out.

Kyleston explained, “First and foremost, VV’s classic Tucker Slim-fit button down is essentially the uniform of us Questrom gents. If not the Tucker slim-fit, the Murray is also a classic choice.”

“Now we have no other option but to go to class naked,” Kyleston said. “If the administration thinks that I’m gonna wear that polyblend shit on my silky smooth skin, they are idiotic.”

“It’s preposterous,” added McChad.

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