QUESTROM SCHOOL OF BUSINESS—After a series of strange events, it was revealed Tuesday that the women’s first floor bathroom in the Questrom School of Business held a secret entrance to the fabled Chamber of Commerce.
A message was found written on the wall that stated, ‘THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE HAS BEEN OPENED…COMMUNISTS, BEWARE.’ According to legend, the Chamber of Commerce appeared when the School of Management was first built, and would only listen to and help business students. In order to open the Chamber, the legend went, one would have to be able to speak the rare and mysterious language of Corporate Jargon, a snake-like language unintelligible to most.
After the message first appeared on the wall, non-business students who ventured into the Questrom building were found lying stunned in the lobby. Sources confirm that they were stunned immediately after their LinkedIn requests were denied by the President of the Chamber of Commerce.
“All because I’m not a Questrom student!” exclaimed Lionel Den (CAS ’20), one of the afflicted. He spoke to reporters after being revived with a lick from Rhett. “It’s discriminatory, that’s what that is!”
“The Chamber of Commerce doesn’t take kindly to anyone who’s not pure Questrom,” said a source who declined to be named. “Double majors, those who minor in Econ… they don’t REALLY belong here. As a member of the Financial Investments Club…” The bystander then slipped into incomprehensible Corporate Jargon, and The Bunion could not translate what was said.
The events reached a fevered pitch when a hapless CGS freshman was discovered to have been kidnapped by the Chamber of Commerce itself. Ella Menopi (CGS ’20, CAS ‘22) was recovered from the Chamber by a group of COM students described as ‘plucky,’ who had to jump through hedge funds, disarm a 401k, and fight a bloodthirsty CPA, amongst other obstacles.
The Chamber of Commerce remains in the first floor women’s bathroom in Questrom, guarded by a supposed wailing ghost which, on further investigation, turned out just be students getting busy in the next stall over.