QUALITY MART—A Boston University freshman successfully purchased alcohol using a CVS card as a form of identification, sources confirmed.

“Sure, the guy looked a little young to be purchasing alcohol,” explained Mo Rodgers, the store clerk at the time. “But when he handed me a CVS card, I knew I was dealing with a responsible adult. What kind of underaged college student has a CVS card?”

Rodgers expressed that his favorite part of his job at Quality Mart was meeting so many people from Illinois and Florida.

“Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit,” exclaimed Grant Davis (COM ‘19). “I have an actual fake ID, but I’ve never used it before. When the clerk asked me for identification, I panicked and pulled out my CVS card instead. Imagine my surprise when he nodded in satisfaction.”

Since the incident, students have been trying to prove their adulthood in a myriad of ways that don’t involve showing an ID.

“I took out my phone and showed the cashier that I actually have a savings account,” recounted Abraham Leibowitz (QSB ‘17). “He couldn’t deny me then. That’s a thing adults have.”

One senior, unsure of how else to prove his false adulthood, balanced a checkbook in front of Mo. At press time, a middle schooler was successfully purchasing alcohol using his LinkedIn account.

Leave a Reply