Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Liam Grogan (COM '23)

Liam Grogan is a Freshman in COM studying Film/TV, but if his parents ask he's studying business in Questrom...

1. Convert your neighbor’s room into a “communal living” space

By converting their bedroom into your new walk-in closet, you’ll open up tons of new storage space in your own room. It’s a great place to store things you don’t want cluttering up your dorm, like clothes, books, or your roommate’s visiting family. 

2. Take out more Federal loans and buy out both beds in the room

Boom, problem solved! Take that, poors!

3. Convert to Buddhism and relinquish all of your earthly possessions

This will help to clean out your space quickly, and get rid of those last few knickknacks you’ve been holding onto! You might find it hard getting rid of things like nice clothes, expensive electronics, or Grandma’s ern, but just think about all of the square footage it’ll open up!

4. Build a Shrink Ray, gaining the ability to reduce objects to a microscopic size

Then, use your newfound powers to shrink your roommate down to the size of a thumbtack. When the police come looking for him or her, simply shrink them down too and repeat this process until law enforcement has learned their lesson, and decides to just leave you alone. 

5. Just move into Stuvi you fucking casual

Idiot.

6. Open a portal to a mirror dimension

By opening a contained interdimensional rift in your room, you can expand your square footage infinitely. Just be sure to always put your shirts on a hanger before throwing them in, otherwise they’ll be stolen by galactic thrifters who think they’ve struck vintage gold in the infinite nebulous. Or, they’ll get that weird wrinkle thing around the collar that shirts do when you don’t put them on a hanger, and that’d just be unfortunate. 

7. A brightly colored carpet on the floor does wonders to make the space feel bigger, and more “homey”

Also, murder*. We won’t tell if you don’t.

Editor’s Note: The Bunion does not condone murder.

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