CANCUN, MEXICO—With Spring Break comes it’s oldest tradition: The Wet T-shirt Contest.* And Cancun’s super-soakers and garden hoses are at the ready. However, Cancun officials are bringing this treasured tradition into 2019: instead of women getting soaked in skimpy tops, these shirts will be drenched while hanging from a clothesline.

(*Wet T-shirt Contests have been held during Winter Break as well. However, hypothermia has seized over 3,000 participants, making this deadly contest the most dangerous Winter Sport after Ice Fighting.)

Doug Trenton, who created the Wet T-shirt contest in 1971, was pleased with the change. “When these contests started,” says Trenton, “it was about two things: The T-shirts, and the wetness of those shirts. Then the whole thing was commercialized, and it became all about the sex. That’s America for you. Uncle Sam’s the biggest pervert I know.”

After his usual scathing political commentary, Doug will be hanging up shirts from eight lucky contestants and then spraying them on the clothesline. The wetness will then be measured by four women scientists, or as The Bunion has been advised to call them, scientists.

Not everyone is happy about the change, though – especially DJs who used to conduct the contest.

“It was never even demeaning,” bemoaned a somber DJ Jizz. “We were just having a fun time.” When further questioned, DJ Jizz proclaimed, “This world is just too confusing. Girls Gone Wild is exploitative, but Reese Witherspoon’s Wild, in which a girl literally goes wild, is empowering?”

At press time, the wettest shirt, a grey Dunder Mifflin Tee, was announced to respectful snaps.

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