Photoshopped by Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)
Ethan Brown (COM/CAS '21)

Ethan is a junior from Bethel, CT studying Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy.

QUESTROM SCHOOL OF BUSINESS—In a sensational turn of events, local finance student Bradford Bradderty (QST ‘19) landed himself a job at investment banking giant Goldman Sachs by asking his mom instead of his dad.

Wow! Talk about true feminism!

Though Bradderty’s GPA stood at a 1.8, this social justice warrior knew that networking was the most important part of the job search. That’s why he glossed over his dad to talk to his mom—one of New York City’s largest hedge fund managers. Upon receiving his resume with a note from his mom on top, Goldman Sachs CEO Iva Lottamuney tossed it in the trash and immediately sent Bradderty an invitation to interview.

Amazing! We only wish more wealthy moms were giving their kids jobs without them having to put in any work!

At the interview, Bradderty explained to Lottamuney that he’s the biggest feminist there is. “I am a huge supporter of powerful women. I was even birthed by a woman. You know my mom, right?”

A mere four seconds later, Bradderty started boasting about how he and his frat bros filled their female neighbor’s keg with vodka and chugged the whole thing, but before the interviewer could raise an eyebrow, Bradderty’s amazing mother was already on the horn with Lottamuney praising her son for being a “risk-taker” and “unafraid to accept challenges.”

America, did we just achieve gender equality?

During Bradderty’s first week on the job, he respected women so hard that he spent 100% of his time chatting up the females in the office, asking insightful questions like “you up?”, “you out?”, and “what’s up?” Unfortunately, being so busy supporting amazing women, he inputted a 4 instead of a 6 on a spreadsheet, leading to a 40% decrease in the value of the peso, Hallmark going out of business, and every single country declaring war on every single other country, except the Middle East. Upon hearing the news, the inspiring Mrs. Bradderty sent her son to work the next day with a note explaining that his mistake was just due to a “slippery keyboard” and that “nobody stirs the pot better than a vigilant activist like [Bradderty].”

Bradderty is expected to receive a promotion on Friday.

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