I know what you’re thinking, because it’s the same thing that Hozier thought when he saw me: “I’m in the presence of a goddess.” Yes, it’s true. There’s just something about me – a certain jenny say quan, if you will – that makes people think… yeah, fucking her would be a ritual.

I, personally, think that the song is a tribute to our love, our chemistry, our intense and intimate relationship. I knew that the song was about me when he said that “she was the giggle at a funeral,” because I often go to rando’s funerals just to laugh during the eulogy. Try to liven up the event a little. 

He also is clearly referring to his lover (once again, me) being a religion herself. And believe it or not, I have experience being at the head of a religion. Back in the early 2000s, I actually led a small cult. Unfortunately, we were dismantled in 2006 when one of our members came out with a memoir detailing the fact that I did indeed make them worship like a dog at a shrine of my lies.

I am also legally obligated to mention here that I was once arrested for sharpening a knife over a trembling, naked man as I made him confess all of his sins to me. For the record, I did have a priest detained nearby, so it wasn’t, like, “sacrilegious” or anything.

The funny thing is that he could tell all of this just by looking at me. We never did make love, or “worship in the bedroom” as he so beautifully and imaginatively called it. Our eyes met across a McDonald’s queue, and then I was swiftly escorted from the premises due to an unrelated incident which caused me to be banned from all McDonald’s.

In summary, I never was one to brag, but the minute a tall, long-haired man says that they’d drain the entire sea as a sacrifice to you, that’s when you know you have the right to tell the world. You’ve got a bomb pussy.


DISCLAIMER: After fact checking this article with the author’s past partners and cult followers, we have found that most people explain fucking her as “alright.”

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