QUESTROM — Freshman student Derek Smith was sent home unexpectedly last Monday after his Business Ethics professor informed him that he was required to bring at least two girls with him in order to get into office hours.
Said Smith, “he said that if he were to let me in without any girls it would ‘mess up the ratio,’ which was weird because he was just sitting in there alone drinking vodka out of a plastic cup before I walked in.”
Professor Samuelson was later asked to justify his decision to kick Smith out to which he responded, “Look, I asked him to name three other professors already inside that he knew, and he couldn’t even give me one. He’s lucky I didn’t take him out back to teach him a lesson about respect, but I already have two priors so I can’t risk the cops showing up again.”
After finishing his statement Professor Samuelson proceeded to shotgun another beer, and then speak loudly to his empty office that he appeared to think was full of his cheering brothers. Bunion reporters were forced to leave the scene after Samuelson smashed his desk to pieces after an imaginary named Chad dared him to.
When we returned the next day for comment, we were informed by a mopping janitor that the last person to use Professor Samuelson’s office had been dead for thirty years.