By Maggie Vatter (CAS ’22)

CAS Building – On Monday morning, in the Human Rights and the Water Crisis Seminar class, Professor Mikropenus was reported to be displaying an inhumane amount of hickeys on his neck.

Students report noticing that something was off when Mikropenus walked in with a deep black v-neck t-shirt instead of his typical button-up and sweater vest. 

“When a 60-something man walks in with a v-neck, that’s remarkable within itself,” reports Marky Mark (Funky Bunch ‘93). “But it wasn’t his bush of chest hair that had me trippin’. All up and down his neck were grape sized hickeys… Man’s got game though, I can’t help but respect that.”

The lecture continued normally at first, until Mikropenus began calling attention to his neck and hinting at promiscuous activities. “ISIS took control of the Mosul Dam in Iraq, cutting off water access for thousands,” explained the Professor. “While uncomparable to our privilege here, I’m sure we’ve all at least felt a certain type of… thirst on the weekend.” He said this while looking dramatically to the side, revealing his tapestry of love marks.

In order to verify these claims, The Bunion visited Professor Mikropenus in his office. Reporters on scene observed that, in fact, there were hickeys covering his neck. When asked about the source of these hickeys and why he was so proud of them he responded: “I no longer cower at the judgement of society. Who am I to deny my lover their claim over me? If I must live in the hateful scrutiny of my virgin students, then so be it”.

Upon exiting the office, reporters noticed the custodian to Mikropenus’ office also covered in hickeys. At press time, Mikropenus is still married to his wife of 40 years, Aimaweener.

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