WEST CAMPUS—Boston University crews spent all of Thursday hauling in an unprecedented amount of uncut, pure Colombian cocaine for delivery to President Robert Brown, a school administrator with a penchant for nose candy.

“On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Allston, Jamaica Plain, and Back Bay for a month,” Brown said after stepping out of his Lamborghini with two women in tow. “I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day to focus on tuition issues, Adderall to stay focused on Law renovations, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, and cocaine to wake me back up again.”

Brown said his cocaine is a necessary supplement for the many university tasks that he must complete on a daily basis. He also said that his yeyo makes his occasional races to Cuba on his cigarette boat much cooler.

“Bang, zip, zam,” Brown said before diving into a towering mound of cocaine outside of StuVi2. “It’s snowing smack and Brown is ready to shovel it all up!”

At press time, President Brown was giving a tour of the university’s many dining halls to the Ochoa Brothers, a ruthless Colombian drug cartel.

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