SLOANE HOUSE—Citing a rapid flow of student money into the bulging fat pockets of his expensive slacks, BU President Robert Brown has announced an overall 3.7 percent increase in the number of butlers tasked with servicing him at his multimillion dollar mansion.

“We acknowledge the very substantial investments made by parents and students in paying these exorbitant education fees,” Brown said. “But in order for me to be an effective president I require millions of dollars in compensation and personal slaves to feed me grapes and trim my mustache.”

The new butlers will greatly improve the high-quality of service at the Sloane House, Mr. Brown’s Brookline mansion worth nearly $6 million that has six fireplaces.

“I simply must have more butlers to stoke my fireplaces, smoke my salmon, and polish my cufflinks,” Brown said as the cartoonish images of money signs appeared on his irises.

Brown said the butlers would be paid for in part by the recent 3.7 percent increase in tuition at BU. He said the school is trying to to enhance quality of education while controlling expenses, a bullshit and broad statement that he says every year but never actually delivers on.

“Oh dear, I’m sorry, but I’ve been saying that same statement for so long, it’s almost comical how untrue it is,” Brown said in the midst of having his mustache cast in solid gold.

One of the newly hired butlers, Jake Dowsett (CAS ‘14), recently graduated from BU and said he would be using most of his paycheck to pay off student debts.

“I’ve got thousands of dollars in debt that I racked up getting an education,” Dowsett said. “I’m just glad I graduated when I did, the kids these days are facing even steeper prices than a couple years ago.”

At press time, Brown was also considering a 3.7 percent increase to his manhood in order to further bloat his ego.

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