BROOKLINE – Witnesses have confirmed that yesterday afternoon, President Robert A. Brown could be heard petitioning the universe and the forces of fate that exist beyond the mortal veil to free him from the unbearable prison he exists within on Earth.
“I give up, okay? Just please, let me die,” Brown was heard shouting from within the living room of his $21,000-a-month home in Brookline. “If you’re out there, and you can hear me, please answer,” Brown shouted to the cold, uncaring universe. “What do you want from me?”
In a time where students are facing annual tuition increases of no less than 5% on any given year, Brown has come under attack for earning close to a $1.5 million salary for the 2011-2012 academic year.
“All I’ve ever wanted was to make this University a better place for people to learn and make a future for themselves,” continued Brown, referring to the nationally-ranked University which is soliciting donations from debt-riddled alumni who have graduated as recently as 2011.
“They called me again last night to ask for more donations,” said alumnus Dave Grady (ENG ‘11), “Half of my paycheck already goes towards paying off my loans, how greedy can they be? I hear they pay the Telefund employees really well, too, which probably isn’t helping. I can’t imagine anyone who would actually donate money after being called by those people.”
“And aren’t they still doing that fundraising thing, anyway?” Asked Grady, referring to The Campaign for Boston University which has already raised $500 million since going public in 2012, the year when President Brown’s salary saw a $250,000 increase.
“I try to make this University a better place where people can have opportunities, and when I succeed, I get rewarded with more money and people just get mad at me for being good at what I do! What are you trying to teach me? I don’t understand!” said President Brown to a picture of his father that he keeps on his nightstand. “The money keeps coming in and it won’t stop! Someone please help me!”
“I saw him walking down the street the other day,” said Tracy Nuzzoti (COM ’15). “He had this weird look on his face and he was throwing money at students he was passing. Can you believe that? The nerve of him to brag about his wealth like that. Does he know how much my family pays to send me here?”
At press time, President Brown was trying to shake the cruel nature of the universe and get his mind off of his inescapable existence with a foot massage.