WARREN DINING—Sources report that this Tuesday, in a shut out victory, President Brown hosted and won his very own hot dog eating contest.

“I was on my way to grab a quick bite to eat before class when I realized that the dining hall was shut down,” said Jeff Brentwood (CAS ’18). “I peeked in and saw the president of our university scarfing down hot dogs all by himself.”

The contest took over seven hours due to frequent mustache dabbing by Dean Elmore to remove excess mustard and sweat.

“I thought a towel would be sufficient but Bobby requested that we use a wad of 20s instead.” Said Dean Elmore. “Robert loves his ‘stache cash.”

Brown ate a total of 9 Hot Dogs over the 7 hour span and won a cash prize of $65,000, coincidentally equivalent to the tuition paid by Jeff.

“Robert has been working for years to fulfill his lifelong dream of winning the Robert Brown invitational,” said First Lady Brown. “After his heart-wrenching loss last year, and his multiple disqualifications in years past, we didn’t know if he had it in him.”

At press time, Brown was caught with three sausages in his pants, but witnesses suggest he might just be happy to see us.

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