EAST CAMPUS—Last night, after sending out an e-mail to all members of the Boston University community, President Brown realized that he did not know which of his staff members was responsible for writing his e-mails anymore.
After proofreading and sending the final draft of the message, which was in response to yet another tragic event which has affected the entire BU community, sources say that President Brown leaned back in his leather upholstered chair and furrowed his brow as he strained his memory to remember which of his various assistants or secretarial workers was responsible for ghost-writing his e-mails.
“Come on, Robert, you know this,” said Brown, as thousands of undergraduate students and employees began to open and read the letter expressing the sincere sadness that he felt in this trying time. “Is it Gary?” wondered Brown, referring to his body double, Garry Stauffer, who walks around campus during Accepted Students Day and waves to people. “No, no, that doesn’t sound right. Consarn it, who could it be?”
“Beverly, could you come in here?” said Brown, calling his wife into his study to see if she knew who was responsible for expressing President Brown’s deepest condolences to the BU community.
“Was it that fellow who walks around pretending to listen to students’ problems so they feel like their opinion matters to the administration?” asked Beverly, who was still wearing her oven mitts after taking a piping-hot pecan pie out of the oven.
“No, darling, that’s Kenneth Elmore, you know that,” replied President Brown. “Oh, dash it all, what’s the fellow’s name? The ‘How To Write an E-mail For President Brown’ guidelines are on the first page of every employee handbook – It could be anyone!”
Sources claim that, over the course of an hour, President Brown and his wife continued to explore various other possibilities, but never arrived at a concrete answer. At press time, the two are fairly certain that the man’s name starts with an L.