MARSH PLAZA—This Tuesday, Boston University President Robert A. Brown met a BU student for the first time in his seven years as head of the university.
“I was walking through Marsh Plaza, where I am usually very careful to put my head down and walk briskly,” explained Brown, pulling at his now messy hair in his home library. “But I let my guard down, and before I knew it, this youngster was attacking me with all these questions and accusations.”
The student in question, Kara Ellsworth (ENG ’15), claims that she was merely trying to have a conversation with the esteemed university president. “I had heard that he was a civil engineer,” explains Ellsworth. “Which is what I am looking to go into. I really just wanted to know how his engineering experience has helped him as president.”
President Brown, however, has an entirely different recollection of the events that transpired on Marsh Plaza. “She was talking all fast and high pitched,” Brown says. “I tried giving her some spare change, hoping she would quiet down and go away, but she just laughed and kept talking.” Ellsworth is currently on academic probation, while a faculty council from Judicial Affairs decides whether or not more serious action should be taken.
“It really shook me up,” Brown told reporters, as he rubbed the dark circles under his eyes. “I haven’t been able to sleep since. For so long I’ve thought of students as skinnier, poorer versions of people. But this one was eerily similar to a real people. Person. Real person. Sorry, I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out. I need a beer.”
Brown’s loved ones say that they are beginning to worry about him, as the university president has spent the last few nights crying loudly while watching teen comedies and tearing out pages from his extensive collection of first edition scientific journals.
“Robert’s diary used to just be a tally of how much money he raised that day,” Brown’s wife Beverly explained. “But lately it has been filled with really sad poems, which I have since found out are mostly lyrics to Fiona Apple songs.”
The staff of the Boston University Office of the President asks that students “please refrain from speaking or moving around too much” during this difficult time for their great and powerful leader.