Boston University students and faculty were shocked this morning upon receiving a startling confession from President Brown: he has been just two small children in a trench coat this whole time.
Brown’s annual fall email to the BU community has typically been a welcome-back letter full of niceties and information about tuition increases, but this year’s email was different. This year he—sorry, they—finally came clean:
“Dear Colleagues,” the email says, “I am writing, as I do each fall, to update you on important topics for the Boston University community. Namely, the fact that this whole time, when you thought I was just a singular human man, I have in fact been two small children stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.”
After the email went out, The Bunion was invited to the president’s office for an exclusive interview.
“We didn’t think anybody would read the email,” says the Top Boy, whose name is Billy. “Nobody ever does. But I guess the cat’s out of the bag now.”
“There is no President Brown,” says the Bottom Boy, who refused to tell The Bunion his real name. “There has never been and there never will be a President Brown.”
The boys then demonstrated how they went about ‘becoming’ Brown: Billy put on a men’s trench coat and Bottom Boy lifted him up onto his shoulders. Billy then closed the trench coat and pulled a fake mustache out of his pocket.
“We never thought this would go on for so long,” admits the newly formed President Brown. “We only did it to get into an R-rated movie but then someone mistook us for the president of a university.”
“Next year,” says a voice from inside the trench coat, “we’re going to tell everyone that Dean Elmore is just a plank of wood with a face drawn on it.”