UNDERNEATH AGGANIS ARENA—Boston University president Robert Brown was caught in the act of running an underground mascot fighting operation in what authorities say is the latest attempt to gain enough untraceable bankroll to bribe Boston City Council officials after being subpoenaed last week.
“Uhhhh, let me just,” Brown said as city officials freed Rhett the Terrier (BU), Baldwin the Eagle (Boston College), and Buster Bronco (Boise State University) from cages stacked against a wall.
This continues the president’s string of crimes committed after failing to attend the Boston City Council’s meeting on a lack of diversity in both faculty and among accepted students.
“The smell was indescribable,” said BPD officer Jessica Oakley. “We arrived just as the Stanford Tree and Paws the Husky were at each other’s throats – or rather, each other’s outer bark and flea collar, respectively.”
Officials found enough evidence at the scene to implicate Brown as the ringleader of a nationwide network of brutal basement brawls among accredited universities’ mascots – a network whose profits were allegedly disguised as the “other” category in BU’s October fundraising campaign.
Brown’s attorneys reportedly discovered that the president had managed to burrow his way out of his holding cell before meeting with them to discuss his pending case.
“Woof woof, motherfuckers,” said a note that was left behind at the tunnel’s entrance hole, along with Paws the Husky’s disembowled head. “You haven’t seen the last of me.”
At press time, Boston University was still operating under predominantly white administration and faculty with dwindling signs of change.