Photoshopped by Karen Martinez (COM '22)

Clarissa is a junior majoring in journalism. She’s from Texas—but, don’t worry—she’s not a Republican.

Four entire months of being ghosted by Benjamin. He’s definitely seen it. His feed is full of him fulfilling other Venmo requests. He’s not even trying to hide it. 

Who is Madison and why did she Venmo my man for “Bae State Underground?” Why did he Venmo Brenda a “Warren meal swipe?” Why does his transaction with Tiffany have an Uber, peach, and eggplant emoji? Can he make it any more obvious that he went to the GSU farmer’s market with someone else? 

He must be short on money; that’s the only possible explanation on why he would ignore me for so long. He’s always been ashamed about money. I mean, he wears off-season Canada Goose and his parents have only donated one building to the school. Plus, I’ve seen him riding Uber Pool; might as well take the BU shuttle at that point. 

I know my man too well, and I know he is too proud to accept money from people. Clearly, my only possible option was to create an anonymous fundraiser for him at the GSU Link. I could sell dining hall bananas. 100% profit. Questrom? Never heard of her. 

I don’t know why he would ghost me. Our first date was great, until he said his dorm was flooding and left after nine minutes. Since he was in such a rush to leave, I ordered him an Uber. After not hearing back I sent him a Venmo request for $6.17 with an Uber, heart and ring emoji. 

These four months have gone by painfully slow. I had to see him. I already knew his address from Uber, so I just showed up outside his apartment. I wanted to get his attention in a cute, romantic way so I held a boombox up over my head while standing outside his window.

Alexa, play “Bitch Better Have My Money” by Rihanna. 

Ah, I can’t wait for our wedding.

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