ZOOM — I know everyone has really come to hate Zoom class, and for the most part I don’t blame them, but a guy like me can see the silver lining in every situation. That’s why I’m not like most guys; I freaking live for Zoom class. 

When you look at your class on Zoom, I bet you see a bunch of little squares with people staring at themselves for hours on end. Me? I see untapped comedic potential. Opportunities to entertain. A chance to show the world my true colors. I know my work would make Kevin Hart proud, and that’s what counts. 

It starts off subtle. The occasional heavy breath into my microphone while the professor rambles on. Then I start to make myself known by taking a hefty bite out of my Jack Link Meat Stick Jerky uncomfortably close to my camera. No homo, of course. Eventually I unmute right as my roommate and I start discussing how fucking stupid AOC is, and how totally poggers Kellyanne Conway is. AWOOGA! To finish us off, I activate my mic again as that Meat Stick from before catches up with me, and I grace the class with an astounding belch. 

Unfortunately, this dazzling personality comes at a steep price. Although my charisma and wit have carried me far with the ladies, I seem to hit a brick wall—well, I don’t really hit anything— when it comes to the topic of my Nether regions. 

I know this may come as a surprise to a lot of you, so I apologize for— what’s this? Hold on guys, I think my Zoom is glitching. What the freak? My libshart professor just kicked me off the call because I was “disrupting our learning environment.” That wench was interrupting my set, and I was keeping the class on their toes. 

Well, I guess that’s all the time we have for today, since no one seems to appreciate REAL talent around here. Catch you next week when I own my breakout room with cold, hard facts about trickle-down economics from Fox News. 

At press time, our subject expressed an inexplicable aversion to measuring tapes.

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