This may be my last fucking straw. I show up to work, already peeved over the donkey someone brought in yesterday that shit all over the floor. I get it, donkey’s are a high commodity but like have some fuckin class?

Anyways so I’m serving these pair of kings, already high off their ass on myrth, when I see a group of thirteen walk in. I think ‘well they can’t possibly be looking to eat here because who the fuck brings a party of THIRTEEN, LAST MINUTE, with NO RESERVATION?!’ Turns out, them. Right after seeing them I sent a carrier pigeon with a note for my sneaky link telling him I’ll be back to our hut late, because I can already tell this is going to be a long fucking night.

Guess my luck that night was pretty shitty because, you guessed it, the party of thirteen gets sent to my area. I bring them over to one of our biggest tables, when all of a sudden, one of these motherfuckers gets THE NERVE to tell me they all want to sit on one side of the table. At this point I’m about to scream at these weirdos. But I suck it up, and say sure, because being a struggling actor in Jerusalem in this day and age is already hard enough, especially when they give all the girl parts to these musty, dusty, crusty old ass men who don’t take the time to get the middle eastern sand out of their ass crack.

So they all get to sit on one side of the table, la de fucking da. I bring them waters and take their orders . Only when I come back with their food I see their water is now wine.. These fucking weirdos must have snuck in alc. I hadn’t checked for their IDs so now I’m sweating. I tried to ask them for their IDs but the guy sitting in the center claimed he made it right then and there from the water. Was that supposed to be a sex joke? I was THIS close to taking the wine and throwing it in their fucking face. 

And then, ooh, this is where I met my final straw. I’m bringing food to another table and I look over and see all thirteen of them standing completely still, posing like they’re on the cover of Shepherd’s Digest

That clued me in to the fact that these people must be rich. These people were freaking weird but I am a whore for money. Long story short, I slept with three of them that night and stole their gold doubloons. 

  • All order bread
  • Jesus fucking christ
  • Judas peter and john
  • I have also hooked up with judas, peter and john

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