I cannot help that I was born a gentleman with far superior physical and mental capabilities than any female I’ve encountered on Earth. I didn’t choose to be a man, objectively better at being a human than you. But I do feel sorry after all these years of willingly and rightfully taking part in the oppression of women everywhere. 

I feel we have reached a point in society where women deserve compensation for what they have endured. I am pledging to use my manhood and take advantage of my privilege to go above and beyond your silly glass ceiling in the corporate world. I will then begin Venmo-ing women at will, $0.20 each, to make up for the gender pay gap plaguing society. 

I realize 20 cents won’t make up for generations of oppression, but hey, this isn’t my fault. Even a male CEO cannot afford to pay back centuries of debt to you. And honestly, you’re only really owed for the time you’ve had rights, so maybe 100 years. 

I am proud to be unafraid to stand up and do what is right, ensuring that women are empowered and have the opportunity to dream the same dreams that men do. Until the Venmo request goes through, I think we can all agree that the glass ceiling probably looks mighty nice from down there. 

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