Hey, it’s me. The girl in every movie who’s good with cars. I spend all my time working in my redneck dad’s auto body shop yet I still have hair straight out of a pantene commercial. I’ve lived in Shit City all my life and the plan is for me to take over the family business, but surprise, I can also draw and got into the top art college in the nation despite only being able to draw left eyes (the right ones are too hard) and Miku Binder Thomas Jefferson

Oh, by the way, your carburetor is shot, but don’t worry, I’ve been fixing those since I was in the womb. Yeah, my dad shoved one up my mom while she was pregnant with me so I could get a head start. Guess you could say I’m “not like other girls.” It ended up killing her, but it’s the perfect source of familial trauma to show I have a vulnerable side when we meet again three days from now. 

I forgot to mention, I go by Chris. My birth name’s Christina but then all these hound dogs that come in would think I’m a priss who can’t bum a cigarette and ride a skateboard. Also I’m on the run from the FBI for 5 counts of arson but mainly the name change is just to show I can hang with the guys, ya know? And how else would people know I’m a tomboy? By my outfit, attitude, or favorite hobbies? Don’t be an idiot.

Did you just ask if you can take me out to dinner? Ugh, fine, but only if we go to Big Al’s Sleazy Pizza Emporium, best slice in town. And no flowers. Otherwise I might smile and then I evaporate into dust due to the pact I made with Satan 15 years ag- I mean I just hate flowers. Too cutesy. And I’m not cute. Even with my full face of makeup and one super-clean and easy to remove dirt streak on my face that somehow also highlights my impressive cheekbones. 

I spend all my time here at the shop, but sometime next week I’ll take you to some super sketchy place on the outskirts of town that I like to call “my safe place.” I’ll show you I have a vulnerable side after I give my soliloquy on the trauma left by my mom’s death and express how I want to “hop on the next train out of town and never look back.” Yes I know we’re literally next to train tracks and I work with cars for a living but it’s gonna take a confrontational-turned crying and hugging scene with my dad to get me to realize I can leave. 

Well, looks like it’s time for me to get back to work. Looks like your Gwenyth Paltow “This smells like my vagina” febreze car air freshener is on its last leg, so give me a call when it kicks the can and I’ll hook you up with a new one. See ya around town ace, and if you come up to me and talk to me at school I’ll punch your pretty little face. And maybe kiss you. Or kill you. Who knows, I’m not like other girls. 

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