Hey bestie! It’s so good to see you. It’s been so long! If I didn’t know you, I would think you were avoiding me. What are you wearing? Mom jeans? That’s incredibly basic of you. I don’t even look at denim anymore. Personally, it’s a little too…lamestream. I have started following this new fashion trend that started in a little half bedroom bungalow in the alps. It’s a cape with…nothing else. Totally naked underneath the cape! How cool! Right? 

I actually called you here today to discuss the things in life that bring you joy. Oh – what are you listening to? Taylor’s version? I’m actually recording my own version of all her songs on my own and it’s just me vomiting into a trash can in a 4/4 measure. 

I don’t actually personally like anything. That’s actually a lie. I like to use all my energy sucking the life out of people who like things who are even the slightest bit mainstream. You watch your favorite shows on Netflix? I consume all my content on a deep secret Yugoslavan website called http://www.backalleydaddy.com. 

I saw on Instagram you had a girls’ night last night. I saw White Claws in your hands! How “junior year of high school!” When I studied abroad I actually tried this AMAZING drink and now I can’t sip on anything else. If you’re ever in Bosnia and Herzegovina, you need to try this drink that is the liquid waster of a small lizard whose name is Charlie. First, you must go on a four day, four night trek to find him. When you arrive at the forest where Charlie lives, you must ask for Bob. Bob will not be there, but it will make sense after you’re hypnotized.

What are you watching on YouTube right now and laughing at? Is that stand up comedy? How embarrassing. I guess being funny isn’t for everyone! You see, I have the sense of humor of a 63-year-old man with hemorrhoids. That makes me, as the kids say, “edgy.” I love jokes with no clear punchline and feminist humor that secretly plots for the demise of all women. I’m quite literally the funniest person on the planet.

Anyways, I hope you have a great day! Just remember – if you don’t like what I like then you’re wrong <3 That being said, I really don’t care what people think of me. I couldn’t care less if you agree with me. Really. I’m telling the truth. I’m super chill. One of the guys, if you will. Nothing bothers me at all. I’m super secure. 

*swallows Xanax* 

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