There is an old question that is guaranteed to make any Catholic school survivor roll their eyes: What are you giving up for Lent? Well, to celebrate my first year of freedom from the prison that is the Catholic education system, I’m giving up straight people for Lent.
You may wonder how I came to this conclusion, or what pushed me to take such drastic measures in interest of my own mental wellbeing. It all began during a brisk nighttime promenade from Warren Towers to the illustrious Howard Johnson hotel, when I was innocently minding my own LGBTQ+ business, listening to Phoebe Bridgers. All of a sudden, I turned my head slightly to the right, and what do I find before me? A couple ravenously making out at the BU bus stop. That’s right, the BU bus stop. The same one that you and I wait at every morning to make the treacherous journey to West campus (the notorious land of the straights). This blatant violation of my personal well being (during Women’s history month no less!) was the last straw in my efforts to coexist with straight people.
In an effort to stay faithful to my Lenten promise, there are a few spots I’ll be avoiding until Easter. The first is Fitrec, where reports have shown that 95% of attendees are heterosexual. The second place I’ll be avoiding is Questrom. Not including the Starbucks on the second floor of course, or what I like to call the gay Trojan horse– where else am I supposed to get my iced matcha latte with oat milk? I will also not be attending my Econ lecture until the conclusion of the Lenten season, much to my professor’s dismay. What can I say? I intend to follow through on my commitment to the LORD™.
One place I won’t be avoiding is the BU Beach. After much observation, I have determined that the beach is a safe space free of straight people, especially on days when the weather hits 60 or above. Nothing says Sapphic Girl Spring like copies of The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo strewn about next to abandoned pairs of Doc Martens. In other news, Boston mayor Michelle Wu announced that 2022 Pride will be held on the BU Beach.