My morning routine truly centers me for the day ahead. I meditate, drink a smoothie, tweet sexually explicit content at John Stamos, attend a 6am Soul Cycle class, and of course, spend 10 minutes scribbling in my manifestation journal.

What is manifestation, you may ask? It has its origins in the spiritual side of Instagram. As my favorite influencer explained on her vlog, it’s the idea that channeling positive energy can make good things happen in your life. And like, guys, it actually works! A month ago, I started writing this in my manifestation journal: “The organic café in my neighborhood will bring back pumpkin spice chia seed pudding.” It worked within a week! 

From there, I took manifestation to a whole new level. I wrote myself positive affirmations: “You are beautiful.” “You deserve this promotion.” “You are Anastasia Romanov, the long-lost daughter of the Czar.” I was unstoppable, and it wasn’t only because I started micro-dosing crack cocaine! 

I got 200 Instagram followers and the creepy older guy in my building stopped flirting with me. I ran a mile in under 5 minutes. I became a yoga instructor with no training. 

Unfortunately, manifestation worked too well for me. I thought I was unstoppable and ignored basic social guidelines. I believed I could jay walk across a busy street with no consequences. I got hit by a bus.

The doctors told me I broke several bones, but I know I’ll be okay! Who needs modern medical care when you can manifest your own healing?

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