WEST CAMPUS—Plans for Boston University’s third Student Village dormitory leaked late last night, revealing the university’s glamorous intentions for the highly anticipated living space.
The most highly touted features of the new dorm include a waterfall of liquid gold next to the vending machines, as well as live-in pianist Paul McCartney. When asked for comment, McCartney’s publicist responded, “Mr. McCartney is very excited to take up residency at BU, and is flattered by Dean Elmore’s insistence that he is a Wings Superfan.”
The new blueprints have changed drastically from previous leaks, all of which were crudely sketched renderings of the Great Pyramid of Giza. However, the one consistency across all the leaks has been doodled portraits of President Brown with dollar signs instead of eyeballs.
“If I have a high enough number when it’s built, I’ll try to live there,” said Anthony Kosar (CAS ’17). “I heard that in some rooms, instead of carpets the floors are just made up of hundreds of foot masseuses’ hands.”
The foot masseuse speculation could not be confirmed.
There were, however, other confirmed plans, including an original Picasso painting in every room, a fully functional replica of the glass elevator from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and complimentary mini-bars.
“Wait a second,” said Matthew Wolf (COM ’15). “Are you telling me whoever lives there is just going to have an unlimited supply of free Peanut M&Ms? What about Toblerone?”
Despite the high quality of life, BU insists the cost of housing will not be substantially more than other residence halls. “The only difference between paying for this and any other dorm is that you’ll be able to get a mortgage on your StuVi3 suite,” said Colin Riley, a BU spokesperson.
At press time, President Brown was preparing to break ground at the construction site with the sword Excalibur.