COMM AVE — The Planned Parenthood Protestors outside of Caffè Nero have been one of the biggest staples of BU culture since the dawn of time. Who could forget great moments like when Pastor Mike brought out a guitar and mic and started playing Baby by Justin Bieber? Or when they threw raw eggs at random women on the street, exclaiming “You don’t have many of these left!” Ah, memories.

However, a drastic change has been made among the protestors. All of a sudden they turned their crosses upside down and traded in Bibles for Metallica. That’s right: they all converted to Satanism. This comes as an obvious shock to the BU community. We asked one of the former protestors why the change happened. He replied, “Well, in all honesty, one of our members, Paul, excuse my language, got laid, and it just made us all reevaluate our views.” Allegedly, after Paul’s fun night, Satan came to him in a dream and said, “Yo, the shit you’re doing is making women mad uncomfortable. Chill.” 

This might not stop protests from happening altogether, but we’ll definitely be hearing some different chants. Signs reading ‘Sacrifice your Baby to Satan’ and ‘Leviticus 666’ will soon be seen outside of the clinic. Said Pastor Mike, “The Church was losing a lot of money dousing holy water on unsuspecting women, those bottles come at 50 bucks a pop! Now we can just buy a Monster at CVS, they’re the official sponsor of Satanism.” 

At press time, the new Satanists learned that abortions only account for 3.4 percent of all that Planned Parenthood does, so they went home and watched Harry Potter for the first time.

Leave a Reply