By Daniel Kool

ST MARY’S STREET – The altercation arose when Harley Harrison (CAS ’25) tripped over the bottle after being flung from a frat party with fellow freshman Phineas Farlin (CAS ’25).

“Look! We’re loaded,” Harrison hailed. “I dare say this thing’s definitely half full. Do we drink it here or drag it to the dorm?”

Farlin failed to match his friend’s fanfare, however warm.

“You’ve got half a brain cell if you think that thing’s half-full,” he hissed. “It’s clearly half-empty  – and I’m calling bull!”

Harrison told Farlin they should be grateful for anything – especially after being booted from Beta Phi’s bash. He added he’s hardly the reason they were kicked to the trash.

“It’s at least half your fault,” he said. “You and your half-assed attempts hitting on half-conscious hotties. We were there a half hour – too soon to be haughty.”

“You know that’s not why,” Farlin fritzed to the guy. “You just had to have a go at the host’s helpless homie – he wasn’t even half your size!”

He repeated the thing was half empty – “just like the batteries of the dab pen you leant me.”

But by then, Theodore Thimble (ENG ’25) – the third thrown from the thrash – thought he’d heard more than enough of the pair’s drunken clash. A practical partier, Thimble picked up the drink, lifted it to his lips and took a second to think.

“You’re both wrong,” he gagged, half-way to tears – while brief, the taste had fulfilled all of his fears.

“It’s just piss.”

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