PAVEMENT COFFEEHOUSE—A philosophy student forced himself to contemplate fulfillment while visiting Pavement Coffeehouse during a break between classes Monday, eyewitness sources have confirmed.

“I just can’t help but wonder,” Henry Welsh (CAS ‘16) mused, pausing to sip his iced mocha. “What if I’m not making the memories that I should be at this point in my life?”

Welsh cocked his head slightly to the side, staring blankly out the storefront window at the rain soaking Commonwealth Avenue and drumming his fingers across a copy of Nietzche’s Human, All Too Human.

“Between the days of cramming for exams, the hours spent maintaining my image on social media, and the nights of blackout drunkenness and meaningless sex, it all just blurs together,” he sighed.

What happened next is what officials are calling an identity crisis.

“Who am I?” Welsh asked while stroking his beard pensively. “And what am I becoming?”

Welsh then shook his head as he glanced toward two girls sitting at a nearby table Instagramming the foam designs in their lattes.

“Is this all there is?” he questioned.

At press time, Welsh could be seen chain-smoking three hand-rolled cigarettes before his 2 p.m. seminar on Existentialism.

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