The latest Hollywood It-couple is Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian, which apparently was groundbreaking news to everyone — except me. 

It is no secret that Pete is known for slanging out some hot and ready dick like a Jersey diner. He is like the energizer bunny: he is always going, marches to the beat of his own drum, never stops banging, and rocks a cool pair of shades like no other. 

Every few months, like clockwork, Pete leaves us all in awe with the newest woman he has managed to suck into his schlong’s orbit. Now for anyone who has not taken Astronomy 101, allow me to explain: his dick is like a planet, if you will, and it has its own center of gravity. MILFs are drawn towards it; they can’t help it! They’re like moths to a really greasy, sketchy flame!

Finding out who Pete is doing the devil’s tango with is always a gift. A pleasant surprise, like finding a long strand of hair up your ass. You say to yourself, “Wow, didn’t know you had it in you, pal.” The PDCU (Pete Davidson Cinematic Universe) has some notable and remarkable women already involved, such as donut licker and America hater, Ariana Grande, and Kate Beckinsdale (somehow???). 

However, since he’s been nailing some absolute hotties, everyone has suddenly convinced themselves that Pete is ugly, but do not lie, you know you were attracted to him at one point. He is the cutest gas station attendant, the handsomest line cook, and the sexiest liquor store clerk you have ever seen. Pete Davidson with his dark under circles and mischievous attitude is like a cute raccoon man. Sure, he may rifle through garbage and smell a little I bet, but he is adorable! 

While this latest tryst with Kim K is most definitely an elaborate PR stunt, it is fun to see Pete get some and for me cross another name off my bingo board (The Pete Davidson Bango Board). He even gave us a fun hookup for Christmas! He has now embroiled himself as the secondary love interest in the Kimye rom-com and what a mess! I can’t look away! So, yeah, I will be waiting with bated breath and anticipation for the next woman out of Pete’s league he manages to make the beast with two backs with. Keep on rocking, Pete. 

NOTE TO EDITOR: yeah, im burnt out with finals,… sorry i think … enjoy this culmination of my mental breakdown 

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