So, you’re dating your girlfriend because she’s not like other girls? She’s “different,” right? Chill, one of the guys, drank an IPA in front of you once? And now you’re struggling for a good pet name for her. You can’t just call her “babe,” like every other girl’s boyfriend calls them! Your girlfriend deserves more than what other girls have. Or less. Whatever. Just definitely not the equivalent. Luckily, there are some great alternatives.
A classic. The perfect way to remind her that you don’t feel the need to practice good hygiene when she’s around. She’s just one of the guys. The apartment you share resembles a frat house, and sure, she stays over at her mom’s a lot, but it’s cool because you guys are bros. You don’t need all that clingy, “I love you” shit. Your relationship is different.
2. Big Head
She’s so smart. She’s, like, the first girl that you feel like can keep up with you. Intellectually. She never asks you to elaborate when you bring up something you’re passionate about, and you know it’s because she already knows everything about it. She probably even gets Rick and Morty, which makes her so much cooler than Mark’s stupid girlfriend.
Just like your classmate Joel from political science class, your girlfriend doesn’t care about women’s rights. She has no need for feminism because she’s earned everything she’s gotten in life without the help of anyone… except her wealthy parents and their connections. They both use the term “playing devil’s advocate” a ton, which always sounds so cool. That could totally be a band name.
She feels like the father you never had. When you didn’t know how to change a tire, she taught you what Triple A was. Thanks, dad.
Short for “Doctor,” obviously. She listens to you all the time, and she’s so good at it. She doesn’t even interrupt you to give advice, input, or ask questions. You basically don’t even need therapy anymore.
6. Your ex’s name
She won’t even get mad because she’s so chill.