By: Emma Quarequio
The Sidewalk— If there’s anything worse than freshmen, it’s prospective freshmen. In a crowd. With their parents. Blocking the entire sidewalk. As you’re 15 minutes late to class. And you begin to understand how people can be pushed to commit murder.
Aside from the fact that your grip on your phone is threatening to snap it in half and your vision is becoming blurrier with every passing second, you manage to point the high school junior on your left in the direction of Warren Towers. But not before you consider pushing them in front of the bus that’s barreling towards the GSU.
Does that make you a bad person? Methinks not. It makes you human, and we’ve all been there. Which is why we need to denormalize the stigma surrounding the completely understandable urge to shove the closest individual in a tour group off the sidewalk and right into traffic.
Besides, you’re probably doing your unsuspecting victims a favor. It’s simply not possible that everyone on the tour is getting into BU and that everyone is ready to take on The Big Apple. I mean The Windy City. I mean The City of Lights. Sorry, I’m recycling this article from the other college satire publications I write for.
The point is, the college tour these people are on is no different from any other school. We have a Quidditch team. Our squirrels are exceptionally fat. Our dining hall food is lackluster at best. And we’re going to put you thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. Just pick one school to tour and then apply that same information to every other college you might be considering. You just saved immense amounts of time and money.
The Bunion would like to emphasize that we do not condone nor promote any of the actions described in this piece. Unless you liked it. Then we don’t care.