Photoshopped by Patrick Rayburn (COM '23)
Hannah Petosa (COM '20)

Hannah is a Junior from South Florida studying Film & TV. She has been writing and performing comedy since she was 15.

My name is Martha Otly (CAS ‘22) and I am addicted to sugar. Growing up, my favorite thing in the world was going around to “rich people” neighborhoods and getting king size candy bars. But in college, all I do is get peer pressured into partying for all of Halloweekend. I’ve never even had a sip of alcohol! What’s actually in vodka by the way?

Anyway, I really missed trick-or-treating, so I decided to hit the town this year.

I decided to go trick-or-treating in the beautiful, serene neighborhood of Allston. I dressed up as Ukranian president Volodymyr Zelensky, but everyone just thought I was a rich old guy. I guess my accent didn’t work out.

Trick-or-treating in Allston as a twenty-year-old is not the same as trick-or-treating in Calabasas, CA when I was eleven. No one handed out big candy bars. Hardly anyone even opened their door!

I went up to one house. The lights were off, so I figured no one was home. I knocked anyway. A hunchbacked white man in his mid-thirties with a handlebar mustache opened the door. What a weird costume! He handed me some candy that looked like Flintstones vitamins. Finally! I was so excited, I didn’t even put it in my pillowcase. I just shoved all those gummies right in my mouth!

I immediately felt like a thousand bucks. My Ukrainian president costume was getting a little hot even though it was -32 degrees outside. A little weird but whatever! I decided at that moment I wanted to roll up to Alpha Kappa Swagga and show them who’s boss. It was me by the way. I’s boss.

Something about those 12 gummies I swallowed at the same time made me feel the most confident I’ve ever felt. I had to know which CVS that nice man got this candy from. It couldn’t have just been sugar, right? There definitely were vitamins and minerals in there!

I had the best Halloween of my life…that is until I had to get drug-tested for my job about a week later. They fired me for doing ecstasy. I told them they were lying. I said the hardest drug I’ve ever done was Vitamin C.

What I’ve learned from this experience is that I truly love ecstasy. That stuff is way better than a Crunch bar. It was completely worth losing my job. And my dignity. At least I’m no longer addicted to sugar!

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