Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22)
Lauren Kelmar (COM '21)

Lauren is a junior from Palo Alto, CA studying Film and Television. She thinks flaming hot cheetos and Nutella go well together.

Theology 451— It finally happened. I had been flirting for months, but I didn’t think Alfred Bernard IV (EVG ‘?) was getting the message! However, when he asked me to be his partner for our final project I knew my prayers had been answered.

“Hey do you wanna be my partner? You can come over to my place and I can harvest some of the fig jam I grow in my garden?” Bernard asked me, his hands quivering. Was it nerves, or a medical condition? Either way, I was into it. “I go to sleep around 5pm, so how does 3 sound?”

So, I made my way over to his room in the Evergreen Retirement Community with low expectations. I expected us to just work on our group project. I didn’t want to get my hopes up that Alfie would actually like me. I mean, why would he? I’m just a 5’11 21-year-old woman who sometimes models for Victoria’s Secret. But Alfie, oh he’s a stunner.

When I knocked on Alfie’s door, a woman answered and told me she was his wife, Annette. How could he do this to me? Why would he invite me over to the place he shares with his wife. Doesn’t he know about my feelings? 

But then, I saw Alfie’s smile and all was okay. His wrinkled cheeks drooped all the way down past his chin, and his one strand of grey, greasy hair was combed perfectly. Before I knew it, Bernard was seducing me. 

“Just let me pop some pills before we get going,” Bernard said. He got up, opened his medicine cabinet, and started popping pills the size of my fingers. 

Then, he got me going. He started seductively reading the side effects of his heart medication, viagra, and foot medication.

I’ll spare you the rest of the details, but it was a night I’ll never forget. We made passionate love, but got an F on our project.

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