Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)

Ethan is a junior from Bethel, CT studying Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy.

REAL AMERICA—After receiving word that Boston University had cancelled their 2021 Spring Break, and thus, their Alternative Spring Break trips, no one was more outraged than the people of Smalltownsville, Tennessee.

“This is absolute bullshit,” lamented Reila Merican, a resident of Smalltownsville for 55 years. “Without these BU students coming once a year, how is our town supposed to stay afloat?”

For Spring 2021, BU students planned to help Smalltownsville by raking some leaves on their nature trail, building a public bathroom at their soccer field, and reading Edgar Allen Poe to illiterate preschoolers. The group of students who previously signed up for the trip had no construction experience, had never seen a rake in their lives, and could barely read due to being in CGS—qualifications that made them perfect candidates to help Smalltownsville with these projects.

Smalltownsville has scheduled an emergency public forum on Friday to address the catastrophic change of plans.

“It’s been a frantic scramble ever since BU announced this decision,” wrote Mayor Mike Rowave in an email to The Bunion. “I do my best as a mayor, but without a group of unenthusiastic college students coming to Smalltownsville for a week each year to fix things for us, we’re kind of screwed. We’re leaving all options on the table—demanding BU reschedule the trip to the week of January 18-25; getting a loan from the state to bribe the students to drop out of college and live here; forcibly kidnapping the students—anything to be sure our town can survive.”

At press time, Smalltownsville went 100 million dollars into debt, half the town’s population moved away, and every single tree in the town just stopped photosynthesizing and crumbled to the ground.

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