Reports skyrocketed this week of a man outside of BU COVID-19 testing centers, watching students shove q-tips into their nostrils.

The offender, whose haunt is a bench outside of the 808 Gallery, has been given multiple nicknames, including “Lude Lurker,” “Bay State Bandit,” “Nose Guy,” and “Creep.” 

BUPD is on standby, but they don’t plan on taking action at this time. “Legally nothing he’s doing is wrong. Ethically? Sure. Culturally? Probably. Socially, philosophically, morally? There’s no question. But legally? There’s nothing we can do.”

Some, like Junior Lillian Bomer (SHA ‘22), theorize that there isn’t just one peeper. “It’s always an average-sized blonde guy wearing Uniqlo,” said Bomer, who has decided to take the investigation into her own hands. “It could be the same guy, but my theory is it’s a bunch of guys. I bet they have a club.”

Senior Elizabeth Harper (CAS ‘21) is convinced that at least one of the perps is a student in her English class. “One time he was sharing his screen and his background was noses. Just a wall of noses.”

COM Freshman Tom Parker takes issue with the person of interest being labeled as a “Peeping Tom.” “I — I mean he — doesn’t, um, necessarily take sexual pleasure from it. It could be, you know, like ASMR or something. Yeah.”

The BU administration declined to comment, saying they have literally so many better things to do it’s not even funny.

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