Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Emma Quarequio (CAS '23)

Emma is a Sociocultural Anthropology major in CAS from Miami, Florida. She is a veteran emo kid and has a running list of all the mispronunciations of her last name.

BOSTON UNIVERSITY— The advent of COVID-19 coupled with the inevitable passage of time has finally brought upon us the least anticipated emotional crises of the year: seasonal depression. It’s beginning to hit all of us pretty hard, especially on BU’s campus, so it’s important to remember to check up on our friends and family, especially the strongest ones. With students and faculty starting to feel under the weather because of the weather, The Bunion sat down with one of the most beloved—and overworked—names on campus: Patient Connect.

“I just feel kinda down, I guess. The uptick in traffic on my website has me feeling a little overwhelmed,” stated the Site. “I’ve never experienced this much human interaction before, and I’m starting to think I might need to talk to someone about it; maybe I have social anxiety. It’s always logging everyone else’s symptoms and never anyone checking on my symptoms, you know?” 

Our conversation with Patient Connect gradually became something more intimate as they revealed to The Bunion that, despite the toll things have been taking on their mental health, there is in fact an upside to all the attention. 

Said The Portal, “I’ve become a lot more in-tune with my sexuality since quarantine began. I discovered that I have a kink for being used, so that’s a big silver lining. It really helps to counteract the uneasiness and make work fun. Everyone gets their COVID tests, and I get to be degraded every time the site crashes; it’s a win-win.”

During our interview, students were actively logging their symptoms through the Portal, which caused our subject to have to stop themselves from moaning several times. After about 15 minutes of this, we decided to conclude our dialogue early because of the noise complaints.

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