BOSTON—After realizing that no university students actually order from them, third-largest US pizza restaurant chain Papa John’s decided to go out with some dignity by cutting the ties of their contract with Boston University’s vending services on Thursday.

The contract, which allowed for the payment of pizza delivery with a BU ID and university convenience or dining points, made it more convenient for BU students to consider ordering delivery from Papa John’s before ultimately going with Domino’s instead.

“So the kids like Domino’s better, I understand that. I don’t mind,” said (Papa) John Schnatter, founder and CEO of Papa John’s. “The only play we get is at official university events, where people are basically FORCED to eat our pizza just because it’s there and it’s free. What is this? We don’t need that shit, we’re Papa John’s. Who do they think we are, Little Caesar’s? We’re better than that. Better ingredients, better pizza…you know.”

“Fuck,” added Schnatter, slamming his hand on the table.

The official statement, drafted personally by Schnatter on Wednesday evening, was sent to University Vending Services to inform them that “[they] don’t need [the University’s] pity pizza party bullshit.”

“Bet they’re all shitting themselves right now,” said Schnatter after sending the statement to the University. “Sorry I had to drop a bomb, boom! Christmas is cancelled!”

Students reactions have been polarized across campus.

“Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh? Eat it, bitches,” said Tim Schnatter (SMG ‘16).

“We had a deal with Papa John’s?” asked Stephanie Akers (COM ’13).

“It’s true we’ve been playing favorites with university pizza brands for a while, you know, stuffing student mailboxes with only Domino’s pizza coupons, but it’s nice that we can express ourselves more openly now that the bridge is burned,” said Dean Elmore before putting on his new Domino’s branded Vespa helmet.

At press time, many students across campus are waking up hungover, reading the e-mail with news of the contract termination while surrounded by old Domino’s pizza boxes.

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